Alternate dialog first panel:
"Hello, Mary. I used to live in a world where people call before visiting. Please forgive me for not realizing that Charterstone has suspended the normal rules of ettiquette."
Unseen third panel:
"I love homemade apple pie, especially with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, but unfortunately I was diagnosed with diabetes last year. Thank you Mary for reminding me of the things I can no longer enjoy."
At least Mary did not make a tuna casserole.
All that set up for a lame pun. Grandpa needs to get out more.
---------------------------------------------
I listened to a bit of the John Boy and Billy Big Show on 99.5 - the Fox while traveling between garage sales on Saturday. They did this bit titled, "Married Man". The theme song parodies the Spiderman cartoon theme song. Married Man and his friend, College Buddy, compare the party preceding the renewal of marriage vows with the bachelor party of some years before. Instead of 21 year old strippers the pre-vow renewal party consisted of going to a live performance of "Man of La Mancha" starring Jim Varney. Important detail: I heard this on the radio, Saturday, April 7, 2007. College Buddy comments sarcastically that the theater performance was way better than the 21 year old strippers from the bachelor party. Actually, College Buddy was wrong because any performance by Jim Varney would be much more impressive than a performance by a 21 year old stripper because Jim Varney died February 10, 2000. Please refer back to the important detail.
I hoped I conveyed the full magnitude of suckness that is 99.5 - the Fox, the classic rock station for the Brazos Valley. Instead of music in the morning, this station plays the comedy stylings of idiots, non-local idiots (Thus depriving me of the opportunity of giving the idiots the finger if I encountered them at a live remote). This radio station plays the comedy stylings of non-local idiots who failed to update their damn material!
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In a perfect world, only one person per gathering would be allowed to spew inane chatter.
The day before Easter and it's sleeting, snowing and 35 degrees F in south Texas. All this screwed up cold weather happened after Al Gore won the Oscar. I believe the cosmos decided to make Al Gore its bitch. The northeast U.S. received the brunt of the nasty cold weather. Thankfully, in the south, it will go away in a day or two.
I spent most of the day in bed snuggled under blankets. Visited the few garage sales open for business, ran at the gym and went to Doc Green's with Walter.
This week I ran 13.51 miles, burned 1692.2 calories and weigh 172.5 pounds. This weight gain bothers me. I might consult a nutritionist at Scott & White. I could exercise more but I have a life. I should do some serious meal planning. Both of us could benefit from a visit with a nutritionist.
Monday: 3.32 miles in 35:00
Wednesday: 2.34 miles in 25:00
Saturday: 5.89 miles in 65:00
I planned on running Friday but opted to take Loki to the park and the dog wash. The dog wash has a ramp leading up to the wash basin; a great feature if one has a dog that will walk up a ramp. I do not own such a dog. Loki can alter his weight at will but I can still lift him.
Now there is a strong man event I would like to see - the lifting a reluctant Bullmastiff into a tub event.
Have a happy Easter.
I hate being assertive. It's so much work.
Sure, people will walk all over me but I don't mind. Especially if those people are small, beautiful women and they walk barefooted on my back. It really works the kinks out of the muscles.
I'm figuring out a method to train Loki to walk on my back. It would be a neat trick and he is the right weight. If anyone has any ideas drop me a line.
What would it take to get those True ads on my site? Pictures of attractive scantily clad women would certainly increase my page views. Plus, if a cartoon really sucks at least there is something else to look at. It could increase my revenue from the things that, by agreement, I'm not allowed to mention or draw attention to.
It's time to turn on my assertiveness and find out what's the hold up on my new computer.
Mary Worth is being exceptionally pushy. I'm really starting to dislike her. Vera does not want to remain at your stupid party. Get it!
My new office furniture arrived and I put it together with some help from student workers. My new computer and components are not in place yet, so I've hooked up my current computer. Just the monitor, keyboard, mouse and Ethernet. No sound or printing. I wanted enough to do some work. All my stuff is still piled up in my office. I will start putting it up this afternoon.
I'm way behind on my scanning but I have 17 days worth of cartoons ready to go.
I subscribe to a number of health and fitness e-newsletters. Four of them often refer to "functional fitness" without really defining it. They do say that their exercise programs make you functionally fit as opposed to the false fitness involved in weight lifting and long distance cardio. I find the exercises they recommend useful and quite effective, especially when other gym users hoard equipment. I also lift weights and run long distances in training for a specific race. When not training for a race I do shorter bursts of running with an emphasis on speed. I would like to be able to maintain a 10:00 minute/ mile pace very comfortably for a marathon.
I find some of the statements that these exercise gurus make about marathon running a bit annoying but the statements are just opinions. Really, it is more of an attitude that they don't enjoy marathon running but if you do that's fine. None of them recommend it as a way to get fit. I wouldn't recommend marathon running as a means of becoming fit. I took it up to test my limits and found that I enjoyed doing it. I limit myself to one or two marathons a year. I had to do other things in order to get fit enough to take on the challenge. Fitness is a side effect.
Back to "functional fitness". I've decided to define it as the ability to do something outside one's normal routine; for example, assemble and move furniture, and still have the ability to do one's regular exercise routine without injury. I moved, lifted and assembled furniture then was able to do my circuit on Tuesday and run over 2 miles on Wednesday. I'm not tired or sore.
Hopefully, I can have my new computer in place today. That will make it easier to arrange the rest of my office.
I slept better with the volume on the noise machine turned down. No sounds of waterfalls intruding upon my dreams.
Loki seems to like the noise machine, he's been sleeping in the bedroom instead of the living room.
Ann Coulter - every cartoonists' greatest challenge. Maybe not, just draw a skeleton with long hair. Ann Coulter should be ignored until she learns to behave like an adult.
Alternate spelling suggestions for Coulter: colder, jolter, counter, clutter, colet.
I purchased a noise machine from Bed, Bath and Beyond. It plays a variety of relaxing sounds and has a timer. I set it to play the waterfalls all night. It drowned out most of Walter's snoring. I turned up the volume instead of hitting Walter and it had the same effect of making him stop snoring. I will need to try this thing for a few more nights in order to determine its effectiveness.
I dreamt that I slipped into the empty space between the tiny particles that make up an atom. It was dark and sounded like a waterfall. The journey into the empty space proved more interesting than the destination.
The 20 minute version of In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida kind of sucks. Maybe it should be enjoyed while laying in a meadow high on LSD rather than in an office stimulated by caffeine. Maybe the song just sucks regardless of chemicals ingested and location.
Glasbergen really needs to stop drawing reflections, too damn disturbing. Harriet's kneecaps are more aesthetically pleasing than her breasts.
In answer to your "?", Mary, "I-um have work to do." means, "Okay, you biddy, I've made my appearance at your dumb party can I go and be by myself or with a group of people I like or visit my therapist or be anywhere else but this @#$%! party?" Vera is just renting an apartment, a place to put her stuff, sleep, cook, relax and bathe; not a bunch of instant friends.
This whole story line pisses me off because I have dealt with people who tried to impose their "friendship" upon me and try to force me to conform to their ideas of friendship. Then they became angry when forced to use stronger tactics to get them out of my life because subtlety and tact failed. Since this is Mary Worth, Vera will have to resort to suicide.
Then there is the whole Aldo affair. Nobody likes a raging hypocrite, Mary.
People in Darfur are trying to avoid death and I'm pissed off about a comic strip storyline. I feel powerless regarding both Darfur and this Mary Worth storyline.
This week I ran 4.6 miles, burned 576.4 calories and weigh 171.3 pounds.
I got my body fat percentage checked at the gym. 33.2% Four marathons, 35K run, 1/2 marathon and a couple of 5Ks and it is 33.2%. I want a second opinion. The first time I had it checked it was close to 37% so some progress has been made.
Tuesday: 2.28 miles in 25:00
Thursday: 2.32 miles in 25:00
I did not run on Saturday because I participated in a day of mindfulness.
An interesting essay:
http://www.austinchronicle.com/gyrobase/Issue/column?oid=oid%3A460781
I had a busy day at work. Not as behind in scanning my cartoons.
Odor warfare! So, that's what Loki engages in at night.
Mary, please give Vera some space. Sometimes, one needs space to heal. Mary's need to meddle comes before Vera's need to heal. The Charterstone parties suck. Vera, purchase a blanket to put over that ugly orange couch.
Brilliant!
Deliverance has come in the form of a seminar.
Evolution for Everyone: How Darwinʼs theory can change the way we think about our lives
David Sloan Wilson
Dept. of Biology
Binghamton University
Sounds like an engaging topic. Hopefully, it will become available on the web.
I will film it, therefore; I cannot pick up my mother-in-law from the airport when her flight arrives. Walter will try to pick her up or I will pick her up after the seminar. Easterwood Airport should have lots of things to entertain her if she has to wait for me.
I will pick up my mother-in-law from the airport this afternoon. She is a nice person but she has an annoying habit of talking. I will cope.
It's not that I'm not interested in hearing about her vacation, it's that I'm not interested in hearing about the parts of the vacation she will talk about. She went to Biloxi, Mississippi. I don't care about the details.
Aunt Carmen is her given name!?
Maybe all that touching while showing Vera the apartment and attempts to force friendship upon her may have played a role in traumatizing her. Vera could have heard about Aldo. I hope Vera stages an intervention for Mary.
Yes, friends make life richer but I will choose my friends carefully, thank you very much.
I did not update the cartoon last night because of a thunderstorm. On the plus side, I watched Enterprise and got a decent night's sleep. I could have done something productive like put up the clean clothes and load the dishwasher but I think I benefited more from the rest. The clothes and dishes can wait.
Last night's workout frustrated me a bit. Another long wait for equipment, annoying people, still a bit of tightness in the back and I could not do a single clean and jerk. I skipped working my calf muscles. The work day and lack of sleep probably affected my performance. I understand the benefits of changing workouts every four weeks. I'm on my last week on this particular workout.
I will run tonight. I enjoy running.
Mary, looking remarkably manly in the first panel, has met her first introvert and does not know what to make of human being that does not need constant companionship, chatter and prefers to not talk too much about anything. Will Mary learn to accept Vera as simply a part of the 35% of the U.S. population who operates in the world differently than herself and allow the friendship to develop at its own pace? The answer: of course not! Mary, as an extrovert gone mad, will ignore all the hints, signals and restraining orders until the whole story ends in an ugly way. Mary will blame Vera. Mary will never realize that the problem lies with her.
All the creepy touching did not help matters, either.
I need to seriously evaluate my life.
I'm tired of these damn clouds! I want clear skies! I demand clear skies! I need to see blue sky!
Happy birthday to Leonard Nimoy! All hail, Mr. Spock!
Wow, an unfunny fart joke. Add that to my list of things I've experienced before the age of 40.
I would have stayed in the ratty apartment. At least the doors remained the same size and an old lady wearing a purple pants suit did not attempt to cut off the blood circulation to my hand with her vise-like death grip. Vera needs that hand for her clerk typist job.
This week I ran 4.5 miles, burned 560.1 calories and weigh 169.3 pounds.
Tuesday: 2.23 miles in 25:00
Thursday: 2.27 miles in 25:00
I did not run Saturday because I volunteered at a shooting clays tournament fund raiser for Woodstock. I pushed buttons and got a mild sunburn. I enjoyed working at the tournament.
Friday, I hurt my back by picking up after an idiot who did not know how to rack dumbbells. Friday's workout was especially frustrating between the idiots who would not rack dumbbells and the other idiots hoarding dumbbells. I think I will switch to body weight exercises next month.
I gripe about crappy comics in the paper. So, I will pretend that I am a newspaper comics page editor and share my line-up. I read a lot of these comics on a regular basis and others I read occasionally. Several comics that I read regularly do not appear on this list.
In no particular order, my fantasy comics line-up:
No, Mary is not speaking to Dr. Jeff Cory but it's funnier to pretend otherwise. Also serves as a nice icon.
Ziggy wears underwear? Tom Wilson's cultural references become more recent. This one is only a decade old. At this rate, Ziggy's crazy lady astronaut diaper gag should appear in 2012.The only thing preventing the ceiling tiles in my office from crashing down upon my head is the third floor absorbing the water from the leaky roof.
Happy birthday, William Shatner! Bow down to the almighty Shatner! All hail the great and almighty Shatner!
Pure comic genius.
Loretta's mother is rather attractive.The first day of Spring, hooray!
Bonus icon:
The indifference of Mary Worth
Asking the right questions can also make most religions seem ridiculous. Fortunately, in the United States a boycott or a loud protest is the worst thing that can happen. Other places and times, death.
Yeah, yeah, blah blah, blahdeblah blah blah. Vera really starts at the bottom by taking a job that no longer exists. Mary Worth does not care she just wants your soul. Mary plucks the world's tiniest violin.
The first day of spring and I see this. Tom Wilson owes me something for disturbing me on the first day of spring. Ziggy does not wear pants and now he's modest? I wonder if this is before or after Ziggy has taken of business? The more I think about this comic the more disturbed I become.
I spend a great of time going over these entries to eliminate instances of passive voice. I do it for most of my writing. I do this to avoid the disapproval of an English teacher I had not seen in nearly 20 years. I doubt she reads this. I wonder if any of Ms. Kessler's other former students do this or am I just nuts?
Ms. Kessler taught junior and senior English at Spring High School in Spring, Texas.
Wow, www.aperfectworld.org is blocked in China
Check it out: http://greatfirewallofchina.org/test/
1 billion people deprived of my wit, how unjust.
Last night was semi-literate, equipment hog night at the gym.
How hard is it to match the numbers on the dumbbells to the numbers on the rack?
In an environment in which equipment is shared you cannot do immediate transitions to different exercises. Sorry. Yeah, I'm talking about you Ms. hoard the 12.5 pound dumbbells while doing your step ups! I could have done my 12 reps and two other people could have done 12 reps each by the time you switched to the exercise that required the 12.5 pound dumbbells. The most time that you would have to wait between exercises is 30 seconds except when there are dumbbell hogging idiots around. Get a home gym if you want to immediately switch exercises or do body weight calisthenics instead.
Today's comics:
Comics page editors have so much great material to choose from but yet Cathy and Drabble are still in the papers. I want blinky lights on my shoes.
Another cartoonist breaks the fourth wall. The girl's brother is grappling with the implications of what his sister just did.
Get out of my head! Who has been sending this cartoonist my fantasies?
Vera run! A nicer apartment is not worth your soul! You can hang pictures, paint or even wall paper a bit. A few plants can help make your present dwelling habitable. My god, Mary Worth already has her soul sucking face on. Vera, that finger of death can poke straight through your sternum.
Spring Break is over and I'm back at work. I really needed the break. Tuesday before the break I packed my running shoes in my gym bag. I got to the gym and discovered that I had one of each of two different shoes. I ran with the Asics on my left foot and the Nike on my right foot. At least this was better than the time I packed two right shoes.
I love the random fits of insanity that the characters display in Ballard Street. Not everyone's kind of humor but I find it hilarious.
The old needs to make way for the new.
Can Vera afford an apartment at Charterstone? She's probably depressed about the crappy apartment locater service she used. Probably convinced her that the cracked plaster is that "shabby chic" that all the trendy interior designers are talking about.
Send in the clones! With so much brilliance to choose from why is Momma, Cathy, B.C., Wizard of Id, Marvin and Drabble still in the papers? There is no reason for mediocrity on the comics page.
I'm trying a centered layout so that my comments match with the comic.
Standing close to the edge of what's allowed in the papers.
Singing is not the only thing Daddy does in the shower.
How can I meddle? Geez, Mary, let the guy answer a question before bombarding him with another. The unseen third panel: Ben responding to Mary's last question, "None of your damned business, you meddling old hag."
Ruthie had gone insane and she knows how to take apart and put back together a toy. Dad is frightened. Will they finally get some help for Ruthie?
Oh dear badly drawn god, I've been on the receiving end of a conversation just like this. It was a small dose of hell.
Nothing particularly interesting in the funnies. Ballard Street made me laugh out loud.
Took Loki to Petco to purchase some dog food and then I got the car washed and the oil changed. Loki's presence made the oil change guy uncomfortable. Loki enjoyed the attention he received from the people in the car wash waiting room. The car looks good. They got most of the dog hair out of the upholstery.
Finally, have some sunshine today. Ground is still soggy so Loki won't be going to the dog park.
I did not update last night because of a thunderstorm. I will do an update after I finish with this blog entry and another update this evening. I have the rest of the week off. I hope to get some things done at my pace.
The worst depiction of God I've ever seen. I thought it was some kind of troll, dwarf, ogre or other mythological character. Thank badly drawn God for captions.
WTF?!? Good badly drawn God, what the hell is going on in this Heathcliff cartoon? Oh badly drawn God, my head is spinning trying to figure this cartoon out. Can I squeeze in one more badly drawn God damn joke into this blog entry? Badly drawn God damn it! This is a bad way to begin a vacation.
First an icon:
Sartre said it better but he was French, not as funny and did not draw cartoons.
The sign in the lower right corner is a great touch. (Please inform the clerk if you are a nitwit. Thank You) My husband's employer should consider posting a sign like that. It would have to be bilingual.
The stories of stupidity does provide my husband with some entertainment and me with cartoon material. It is only funny after the nitwit has left. Dealing with the nitwit can be quite stressful during the encounter.
The second funniest thing behind fart jokes - violent accidental almost killing. My husband can tell which shotgun can cause that much damage to an easy chair.
The Flintstones in modern times.
I've often wondered how one becomes a motivational speaker. I'm not talking about people that have accomplished something in another field then asked to become speakers. I'm talking about people like Anthony Robbins and Brian Tracy. As far as my research has shown neither of these men have achieved success in other fields. They are famous only as motivational speakers/ success gurus. They have achieved success by convincing others that they understand the keys to success and for a price will share the secrets to success. The hard part would be convincing the first person to purchase your material.
Prospect: So you know the keys to success?
Guru: Yes, yes I do!
Prospect: Give me some examples of success that you have achieved using these keys.
Guru: Well, uh, this is my first business and you are my first student but it is all right here in my book, DVDs and Cd's. Everything you need to know in order to succeed.
Prospect: Call me after you have achieved success.
A vulture has to do what a vulture has to do in order to survive.
Clever gag. I wish I thought of it.
I did not update last night. I was tired last night and did not feel like getting out of bed early this morning to update. It takes a couple of days to get the hang of the time change. I have some time off coming. I need it. I've been easily distracted lately.
I would use this excuse if I were a bus driver or better, an ice cream truck driver. Can't get in trouble if the kids don't get ice cream. If the kids don't make it to school, big trouble. I don't think for a minute that they are learning anything other than the stuff on the standardized test but at least they are in one place for a while rather than roaming the streets.
I need to go clothes shopping more often so that I can understand this cartoon. I need to buy some new pants. Too bad the artist did not draw examples of "editor" and "publicist" style pants so that I can determine whether or not this will be one more source of frustration when I shop for pants. My pants needs are simple: two legs, fly on the front, the hem lands at minimum on the top of my feet, pockets, straight legs, waist lands somewhere between my navel and hip bones, machine washable, and not required to purchase accessories, peripherals or shoes just to wear them.
The best daylight savings time cartoon. I'm amazed that Mark Parisi can come up with this brilliant stuff day after day.
Who still owns a little radio without headphones? Maybe that's why the old man is pissed off - some kid using a transistor radio. From the balloon coming out of the radio, the kid must be listening to some form of punk bluegrass. That would make me take up my cane and start cursing at the top of my lungs.
Cartoonists cannot help themselves. The fourth wall demands to be breached occasionally. It's funny most of the time but there are some cartoonists that can still screw it up.
This week I ran 15.27 miles, burned 1721.2 calories and weigh 169.5 pounds.
Sunday: 13.1 miles in 2:23:15
Tuesday: 2.17 miles in 25:00
Today, I hit the garage sales with Walter and volunteered at pet adoptions. I'm temp fostering Pickles. Loki is thrilled. I shot some video of them playing together. I also shot some video at adoptions.
The fun part is editing the video.
I think I'm addicted to YouTube.
It looks Aldo is receiving a platitude laden postmortem fuck you.
