Join my army of hope starved sycophants

At age 14 I aspired to become a cult leader. Not a scary, Jim Jones sort of cult leader, but more of a Bajwan Shree Rajneesh (sp?) type. People give me money and stuff in exchange for a bit of happiness and hope. One avenue for achieving my ultimate objective - getting as much money as possible in exchange for as little work as possible.

Several factors redirected my aspirations:

1. Lack of resources on how to become a cult leader. Nothing in the library at Spring High School or in the Harris County Public Library System. Too shy to ask the librarian. Allegedly, I checked out a book from my high school library on brain washing techniques and never returned it. I convinced the librarian someone else put my name on the check out card. I never dotted my i's with little hearts. That and I did not remember checking that book out or even seeing it on the shelves. The loss of that book did not become too much of a roadblock in my life.
2. Very high scores on the introvert scale. Cults require people - lots of them.
3. A lack of charisma, public speaking skills or the ability to exert a lot of control over my own life much less the lives of others.
4. Can't fake it forever. Consequences of exposure too great.
5. Lots of potential, not so much ambition.
6. I actually care and have a conscience.
7. Realized it was kind of a weird ambition and that I can affect the world in a positive way without minions. Minions would be nice once in a while. Maybe I can rent some.

Six Signs You Should Leave Your Job

I've read Six Signs You Should Leave Your Job If you work in sales at King Features Syndicate a seventh sign exists; you're assigned Mary Worth.

If you think you have a soul crushing job think about the poor person that has to earn a living convincing newspaper editors to run Mary Worth.

Role Model

I've decided to use Hillary Clinton as my role model in changing careers. Using her as an example, I can have that career in commercial truck driving that I've always dreamed about. If I successfully graduate from the training program, I have 9 years of experience in commercial truck driving already, thanks to my husband. Through my husband, I know the rigors of commercial truck driving. I even rode with him once. So once I get that license I'm fully qualified to drive an 18-wheeler with haz-mat certification and everything. Forget the training program, I should go down to the DPS office and demand they give me a commercial license based upon my experience as the spouse of a commercial truck driver.

I'm a generous woman, if my husband wants to change his career to what I do he is welcome to claim 13 years of desktop publishing experience, 13 years of drawing experience, 6 years of web design experience and 10 years of office software experience. He's been in the room when I've done some of that work. I've talked to him about the process. Bounced a few ideas off of him. He's qualified.

Thank you Hillary Clinton for creating new possibilities and redefining experience! Thousands of men and women can rewrite their resumes based upon your model. Wives of plumbers have x years of experience in plumbing, husbands of welders now have x years of experience in welding and spouses of neurosurgeons can now add that skill to their resume. Why stop at spouses? Why not include the skills and experience of parents, siblings, roommates, life partners, co-workers, close friends and children? Thanks to you, Hillary, this country will never lack for skilled labor.

Disclaimer: my husband gave up the commercial license about 6 years ago. He does sales and management now. If you need some hazardous materials hauled don't call him.

Further disclaimer: I have no interest in becoming a commercial truck driver.

Another disclaimer: Yes, Hillary Clinton has experience as a Senator. That experience counts but to claim her experience as First Lady (state and national) as a qualification for President seems rather fishy. It would not be accepted for any other job.

Career Meme

My results from a career counseling site (answered additional questions to narrow things down because the first list contained too many manual labor type jobs - Boilermaker was number 2 on the original list)

1. Graphic Designer
2. Animator
3. Illustrator
4. Cartoonist / Comic Illustrator (do this semi-professionally)
   
5. Industrial Designer
6. Artist
7. Fashion Designer
8. Set Designer (did this in college)
9. Model Maker
10. Costume Designer
11. Camera Operator
12. Locksmith
13. Dental Lab Tech
14. Film Editor
15. Gunsmith
16. Furniture Finisher
17. Sign Maker (actually did this for two years)
18. Computer Animator
19. Nail Technician (?!)
20. Photographer
    

Delusions of comedy

The rock's original punch line was, "I'm stoned". I thought, "I have no f*ck*ng arms!" was funnier. Not that good a gag to begin with so improvement proved difficult.

Spent most of yesterday evening watching My Life on the D List with Kathy Griffin. Managed to cook something and put clean clothes on the bed. Did not make it as far as folding and putting up the clean clothes. I posted the above cartoon.

I'm trying to get through the wall of sleepiness that hits me from 9:30 am to 11:00 am. Pretty amazing that I can be so sleepy despite the Arctic conditions in my office. I'm surprised I have not destroyed a few bras with my nipples.

I also watched a little bit of Last Comic Standing. I watch a fair amount of stand-up comedy. Have become a bit of a comedy snob. The fart and dick jokes always get a laugh but other than that I can be quite a snob. I no longer find Carlos Mencia funny. Too much "I'm going so say something really rude!" and "Freedom of speech!" Carlos Mencia has some humorous takes on race and class relations and his ethnicity allows him to bring it up. He stops being funny to me when he lets the message supersede the joke.

I watch a lot of stand-up and often think I could do that. I often dream of doing stand-up and occasionally make a few baby steps toward that goal - write some jokes, maybe try putting something on YouTube, putting together a bit for the church coffee house and even think about traveling to a city where auditions for Last Comic Standing are happening (Is that show still on the air? I caught it on Bravo.). People have told me that I am funny and that I should do it. Sometimes reality gets to me - do I really want to do this enough to go to crappy clubs and try to entertain drunks? Do I really want to do all that traveling? Can I handle the heckling? Do I really want to do this?

I think writing comedy would be a better choice for me. I write the jokes, someone else tells them.

For those who actually do stand-up, a few pointers from a comedy snob:

1. The majority of Americans do not live in Los Angeles or New York City. The L.A./ NYC jokes don't play well in Dallas.
2. A few ethnicity/ religion specific jokes are okay but don't make it the whole act. The nun nightmare stories get a bit old. (Maybe there are no known UU comedians because our religion does not provide sufficient fodder - one can only tell so many coffee jokes. Growing up, I went to UU Religious Education every Sunday, oh my god, the horrors of learning tolerance and being allowed to form my own beliefs! All the snacks were organic! I was so jealous of the Baptist kids who got Twinkies during their Sunday Bible classes. One time someone brought organic Twinkies to RE but those tasted like free-range chicken shit.)
3. Dick and fart jokes are funny but again don't make it the whole act.
4. I don't give a shit about your children. And if your partner is so damn psychotic - leave! The drama is not worth the material.
5. White comedians, if you should appear on a BET comedy show, just be your funny self - no need to pander to the audience. (It would be funny if you made fun of the white person in the front row just like all the black comedians - turn the cliche around. That is part of a bit I wrote - stand up comedy through correspondence school - white girl gets the black comic edition and does the cliche stuff but delivers it stereotypically white as possible.)
6. Just spouting random pop cultural references does not make an act - substance please.
7. Profanity - use it appropriately

Do not use any of the jokes above without permission and credit, please.

Time for a career reevaluation

Sign that I need to reevaluate my career - participation in this project intrigues me.

ESA looks 'Mars mission' volunteers
The European Space Agency has announced a search for volunteers to participate in a 520-day simulated Mars mission. The experiment is part of the preparation for future space exploration in which astronauts will have to take care of themselves for nearly two years, experiencing extreme isolation and confinement. The experiment, in cooperation with the Russian Institute of Biomedical Problems, will send a crew of six on a 520-day simulated mission to Mars. The simulation will follow the profile of a real Mars mission, with nutrition identical to that provided on the International Space Station. The simulations will take place inside a special facility in Moscow. A precursor 105-day study is to start by mid-2008, possibly followed by another 105-day study, before the full 520-day study begins in late 2008 or early 2009. The ESA is looking for 12 volunteers -- four for each of the three simulations. The selection procedure is similar to that used for ESA astronauts, although there will be more emphasis on psychological factors and stress resistance than on physical fitness. Details concerning the experiment are available at
http://www.spaceflight.esa.int/callforcandidates.