Drivel that cannot fit in a single panel comic.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

I don't know what brought this train of thought on. I hate being singled out because it rarely has been a positive experience. Uncomfortable at best - humiliating at worst. I don't know why I'm thinking about these past experiences. Maybe I need to get them out of my head.

What is weird is the loathing I feel toward my younger self. I would love to erase that person from existence but no matter how much I hate her - she is me and I would not be the person I am today if not for her.

There is nothing I can do about the past but sometimes it comes up and it hurts.

Maybe I needed to beat the sh*t out of some people. That was expected of me since I was so much bigger than the others. Yeah right, beat the sh*t out of them and get into further trouble.

I guess no one could wrap their mind around a non-aggressive big kid. It was your job to make them stop.

Yeah, I was a first class dork but you did not have to abet them.

Two of you are dead. You did not have the strength to face your demons. So you killed yourself. Tell me, who is the f*ck*ng pussy now?

I feel better. These thoughts are out for the world to see. They can get lost in the noise.


Rain said...

Sounds disturbingly familiar... Not that any of this is really my business, but it did remind me of myself, sort of...

Especially the non-aggressive big kid, thing... I am 5'9 and have been since I was 11 or 12 and when I was 16 I won awards for weight lifting, you know, clean and jerk and snatch, and the like...

Anyway, the whole image is really at odds with who I am and being tall makes people think you are smarter, too, or older, or something unfair anyway. Never mind the bullies, my gentle nature can take a lot, but it won't be bullied, so despite everything, I was always fighting off twits. Girls apparently don't do that, it's just that no one told me about it.

I was a dork and a nerd, a bookworm in school and I still am, a total dweeb, but now it is only on the inside, outwardly I apparently look like a goddess, which lends itself to a whole different set of misconceptions and quite a mess, too.

In my twenties, I tried to deal with it and then when I hit 30, I decided to not deal with it, so I withdrew and isolated myself and to be honest, I am happier only having limited contact with people. It is easier than dealing with constant assumption and misunderstanding. And as I have always been more interested in books and music than the mad dating game, it is better as I don't have to constantly explain my strange quirks to anyone.

But then, memories are another country, and my rather long and unfunny comment has nothing to do with anything, really. I am a writer my nature so short and sweet does not tend to define me often.

I gather your husband and your bird do understand you, though?

I think my dog understands me, but I have yet to have a lover who did, so I simply gave up on women and decided to become Hemingway instead...

I'll shut up now... ;-)

Anonymous said...

im 15 and i love your comics
by the way i am mandy