Drivel that cannot fit in a single panel comic.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

What is it about Thursday that makes me write so much?

In honor of my 12 years of marriage I offer the following advice on how to have a great marriage.

  1. Don't be a psychopath. This is a basic rule for any kind of social success. Too many people forget or simply never learned not to be a psychopath. The term "psychopath" is out of vogue - I think the favored term is antisocial personality disorder or something like that. In lay terms: f*ck*d up *ssh*l*. The irony of this is that the person with the disorder does not realize that they are the ones that are f*ck*d up.
  2. Don't marry a psychopath. Highly trained professionals cannot change them, neither can you.
  3. If you don't want to hear the answer don't ask the question. Does this make my butt look big? Everything makes your butt look big because you have a big butt. He married you anyway.
  4. If you want something done a certain way then do it yourself. Another option - tell him how to do it and then shut the f*ck up. Don't get bitchy, whiny or angry if it is not done right. If, God forbid, you become a widow whether he folded the towels right or put the dishes up correctly will not matter.
  5. Oral goes both ways. If he is willing then you should be willing.
  6. Wash daily and trim regularly.
  7. Don't push it in the bedroom. If things go well you two will have years to experiment. Take things at a pace that is comfortable for both. If she is not ready to go deep then let go of her ears. You run shorter distances first before running a marathon.
  8. Wait at least 2 years before having children. Do not have children unless both parties want them. Guys, don't just go along - make an informed decision. If you don't want children then let her know. Two options if both parties do not want children: dissolve the marriage or don't have children. Don't force this issue. Too much is at stake. Ladies, don't sabotage the contraception. Guys, if you are serious about not wanting children, get a vasectomy.
  9. Laugh. Don't take everything so damn seriously.
  10. Don't assume. Don't make up motives which may or may not exist.
  11. It is nobody's job to "complete" you. It is unfair to the other person. Enhance yes, complete no.
  12. Forgive. Exception - abuse - in that case get out.
  13. Don't let others dictate what is normal for you and your partner. If you never fight - then consider yourself lucky.
  14. Put the relationship books and magazine articles down.
  15. Don't analyze, just enjoy.
  16. Let "I love you" be the last thing you say to each other before leaving the house or getting off the phone.

No comments: