Google yielded some answers to the question of "How to Walk Like a Woman" 373 answers. Without the quotation marks yielded over 60 million answers.

Links to the more interesting:

http://www.tgtoday.com/makeupandfashion/walking.html - step by step instructions

http://thecodepro.com/yo/article/545/ - the pain of trying to conform

http://www.elandar.com/back/fall99/stories/story_femeninity.html - How drag queens are saving femininity

http://www.users.qwest.net/~wyoffice/sermons/2001/07Oct01.html - A sermon about accepting transgendered people

http://www.bu.edu/com/co201mag/coffeehouse/04/itshowiwalk.htm - An essay about acting

Masey led us to a different problem. It was not the wiring but the condenser motor went bad. That had to be replaced. $370.00.

The fence around the condenser is going back up.

Last night, ate dinner with some friends. It was sort of a bachelor party for the friend getting married this weekend. I enjoyed hanging out with the guys. No strippers unfortunately. This town does not have much a strip club anyway.

Speaking of strippers, check out these old school women: http://www.flickr.com/photos/12846488@N00/

I like this one:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/12846488@N00/105018377/
The owner's description:
This photo came from a collection of over 400 Polaroid photos of strippers trying out for dancing jobs at a So. Cal club. They were taken from the late 1960's thru the early 1970's. I bought the entire collection for $10.

I tried to upload the photo but Blogger's photo upload service is not functioning properly right now.

I love the dress and gloves. Not something I would wear in regular public - maybe a costume or fancy dress party. Or even to the cocktail party I want to host some day. I would have to adopt a different persona for that outfit.

And learn to walk like a woman. Seriously. I've been told by several people throughout my life that I walk like a man. None of the people who felt compelled to mention it offered instruction as to how to walk like a woman. From what I've been able to glean from television shows it involves stacking books on one's head. Hard cover books.

I move one foot and then move the other foot further ahead and repeat until I reach my destination. I do the same thing for running except faster. Found out that I underpronate my feet when running and based on the heel wear on my shoes I do the same thing while walking.

I would not qualify for a grant from the Ministry of Silly Walks.

The comments about my walking technique bothered me when I was a kid but I've outgrown that. A lot of stuff bothered me as a kid. Mostly other people. My encounters with people uncouth enough to mention my method of locomotion have become increasingly rare. I think it has been about 5 years since the last time the subject came up.

Walking like a woman would be a nice skill to possess in case I acquire a full length blue velvet dress or some similar garment. I'll have to see what Google brings me in terms of instruction.

The AC repair technician is scheduled to come tomorrow. I'm taking time off from work to be here for him.

I get to sleep in. Hooray.

I'm taking a brief break from fostering dogs.

Masey got a bit destructive. She chewed through some air conditioning wiring. Luckily, she did not get electrocuted. Anyway, she is in a different foster home. I've called a repair technician and they should be out this week. Fortunately, the weather is quite nice and the AC is not needed.

Except for the chewing, Masey is a great dog. She would be great in a home that could give her a lot of supervison and structured play time.

Mari was promised to a different foster home so I did not get to keep her.

We are going to take this opportunity to make repairs and fill holes in the back yard. Then I will discuss with the foster coordinator the type of dog that would be more suitable for us to foster.

I will volunteer at adoptions for a couple of weeks while I'm not fostering. Not this Saturday, a friend is getting married.

AggieCon 37 is this weekend and I don't care. Not even Peter Mayhew can make me care. I guess I've outgrown it.

This week I ran 13.12 miles, burned 1,699.5 calories and weigh 163.5 pounds.

Wednesday I ran 5K in 49:56

Mari is the cutest, calmest puppy ever.

Today, I experienced a bit of the lifestyle that I want.

Woke up when I was ready to wake up.
Made breakfast.
Read e-mail.
Did some chores.
Went to the gym.
Bought groceries.
Drew cartoon.
Worked on design course.
Made dinner.
Watched a bit of the Daily Show.
Chatted with Dell Customer Support
Installed more software on my computer.
Updated web site.
Going to play Halo with my husband.
Go to bed when I'm tired.

It seems very mundane but what I liked is living at my pace. I especially like waking up according to my own rhythms and not being interrrupted by the alarm clock. Without the clock I wake up around 7:30 am.

It was great this morning when both of us were awake.

I hope to make enough freelance income to quit my job.

This break has helped me focus on my goals. I know what I want, now it is taking the actions necessary to achieve my desires.

I'm temp fostering a 5-month old St. Benard mix. She is 40 pounds. She will be about 80 pounds when full grown. A real sweet calm puppy.

Masey is having a good time with her.

Two of the ads in rotation for Google are Art Clip Mormon (LDSPlanet.com, a site devoted to finding Mormon singles - keyword abuse maybe?) and Get Pregnant Easily (Become-Pregnant.com How to conceive naturally & quickly even if you've "tried everything")

I object to the first one because of the use of irrelevant keywords. A Mormon singles service has nothing to do with clip art. The Mormons that I have encountered would not do this kind of thing. I'm willing to give the benefit of a doubt and assume that a non-Mormon wrote the ad. Don't click on the ad unless you are looking to hook up with a single Mormon. They are generally nice people and very hard working. If you are looking for clip art - check out my links on the right. You will have to scroll. Scroll, baby, scroll!!

The second one is a bit ironic since it appears on the website which is owned by someone who has had her tubes tied. Voluntary sterilization. The sixth anniversary of my non-fertility is coming up soon.

I'm afraid to click on the ad. The whole thing could be a joke. There really is only one way to conceive naturally - ask a married Mormon - they are quite good at it. If you have "tried everything", including old-fashioned unprotected sex, and still don't become pregnant perhaps God, spirit, karma or biology is trying to tell you something. Listen and learn.

Since Google Ads works off of keywords, I will attempt to alter the ads that appear on my site.
Voluntary Sterilization, Tubal Ligation, Vasectomy, Birth Control, Abortion, Adoption, Population Control, Family Planning, Planned Parenthood, Sex Education, Permanent Sterilization, Smurfs, Unicorns, Unitarian-Universalist

I threw Smurfs and Unicorns in there for fun.

My new Dell computer has arrived! I'm typing this entry on it.

I will have a couple of days off, later this week (Spring Break. I get two days. I love working for a state university) to install my programs and figure out how to retrieve my address book.

Tonight, I'm trying to get the essentials installed so that I can update my website.

The picture on the monitor is sweet.

Right now I'm downloading the contents of my website to my hard drive. This will take a while.

The important thing is that my marriage survived sharing a single computer.

The talk in church went well. People got something out of it. The children's story was a hit. Walter added some props and sound effects.

I can move forward for over 5 hours but speaking for more than 15 minutes is difficult. The professionals make it look easy. That is why they are professionals.

This week I ran 11.92 miles, burned 1565.5 calories and weigh 162.2 pounds. Wednesday I ran 5K in 51:19.

Tomorrow, I speak in church. I hope it goes well.

I can learn from constructive criticism. Since the skulls have served their purpose as filler art, I removed them. Now, things are 2% less painful.

I wonder if the dead baby lady learned anything from her SomethingAwful.com experience?

I hope Extermantus Now creators enjoy the traffic. I read it and did not get it. I'm losing my nerdiness.

Damn annoying that they draw better than I do. If all the cartoons that are drawn better than mine were removed from the internet all that would be left would be my cartoon and those damn sprite based web comics.

No such thing as bad publicity, I guess. A Perfect World was Somethingawful.com's Awful Link of the Day for March 8. Tripled my usual amount of visitors. Ipower's servers can handle the traffic.

I spend an hour making some cartoons with clip art in order to buy some time for my drawing and then post the clip art cartoons for about a month while I catch up and then the traffic shows up. Should have been late. Damn, my self-discipline.

My drawings aren't the best and my gags can be lame but is it really awful enough to be on par with dressed up miscarriages, fat people pajama parties, sneezing fetish and church website ratings?

Thanks for the traffic and yes, my plan to destroy the world one cartoon at a time is working.

Bwa-ha.

Dude, I'm gettin' a Dell. It should arrive by the 15th.

My computer is really screwed up. It looks like I'm getting a Dell. For now, I'm sharing a machine with Walter. Our marriage has been through more difficult times. We can weather this storm.

I did not win the Funkimobiles contest.

The Sears Catalog site is being featured on Lonnie's 10-List at PostStar.com. 10 Websites to kill 10 evenings with. Mine is day 5.

Windows 2000 decided to go to hell on one of my drives. Walter took out my hard drive and set it up as a slave drive on his machine and I was able to update the website.

Tomorrow he will attempt to install the operating system on a secondary drive on my computer.

Pray for him please.

This week I ran 12.14 miles, burned 1,626 calories and weigh 161.7 pounds. So far this year I've ran 216.82 miles and burned 24,953.8 calories.

Wednesday: 5K in 52:48

The TV Guide cover for the week of Feb. 15 - Feb. 21, 1969:
To find a cover for the year and week you were born visit: http://online.tvguide.com/games/covergallery/

New results with corrected chip time.

ChipTime: 5:39:38
ClockTime: 5:46:53
Overall: 4324
SexPl: 38
class_pos: 27
total_pace: 12:58/M
10k_rank: 4598
10k_time: 1:18:19
10k_pace: 12:37/M
halfway_rank: 4450
halfway_time: 2:45:22
halfway_pace: 13:11/M
30k_rank: 4334
30k_time: 3:54:51
30k_pace: 13:01/M
35k_rank: 4180
35k_time: 4:37:02
35k_pace: 13:04/M
finish_rank: 4303
finish_time: 5:39:37
finish_pace: 13:14/M

This week I ran 26.2 miles, burned 2,770 calories and weigh 161.8 pounds. My calf finally stopped hurting. Next week, I'm back in the gym but I won't be training as hard. I'll ease back into the intense training.

It looks like my race results have been altered a bit. It is showing a faster pace through two of the splits. Eventually, my chip time will get corrected. The people attempting to qualify for the Boston Marathon are first priority. I would have qualified for the Boston Marathon if I was an 85 years old.

I hope that there is another Marathons of Texas challenge next season. I think I would like to attempt to complete Dallas White Rock, Chevron Houston and Freescale Austin in one season. I did not get a look at the jacket that people who completed the three marathons received this season. It better be a nice one.

Marathon Photos!

29 degrees Farenheit at the start, 35 degrees at the finish.

Walking through a water stop. The Texas State Capitol Building is in the background. It is the largest capitol building in the United States.

Sprinting through the finish line.

Running down Congress Avenue.

Smiling and running. I must be out of my mind.

I'm smiling because I just finished a 26.2 mile race.

Through the finish line! The crowd goes wild!

I don't know the lady that came in one second before me. My clock time is recorded in this photo.

Photos by Action Sports International

I found an approximate offset time!

I visited the Freescale Discussion forums. People with working chips were sharing where they started and their offset times. A woman who started in the general area that I was in had an offset of about 9 minutes. Based on that, my chip time would be 5:37:53. A personal record. My goal was 5:30:00. I came close.

The back of my right knee and upper calf is still sore.

There was a major screw-up with the chip timing system. Half the runners were missed at the start line. Based on my average pace from the last three checkpoints I estimated my time to be 5:42:53. That is a personal record. I wish I had more tangible proof.

The company that did the chip timing will change your chip time if you send your offset time (within reason - it has to be close to your pace during the second half of the race). Unfortunately, I do not know my offset time. I was not paying attention to the clock as I crossed the start line.

This marathon made news when a couple of confused deer decided to join the race.
http://www.news8austin.com/content/headlines/?ArID=155886&SecID=2
http://news.webindia123.com/news/showdetails.asp?id=257178&cat=World

Footage of the deer can be found at CNN.com and other news sites.

I'm 37 years old today.

Judging from the results posted on the Austin Freescale website there might have been a problem with the chips. Too many people have matching chip and clock times. I'm guessing that my chip time is 5 to 10 minutes less than my clock time. I did not pay attention to the clock when actually crossed the start line. I'll wait and see if the error can be fixed.

I came in 4,304th place in the Freescale Austin Marathon with a time of 5:46:53! I placed 37th in the Marathon Filly class (women weighing 140+ pounds) and placed 26th among women less than 39 years old in that same class.

Age: 36
Sex: F
Chip Time: 5:46:53
Clock Time: 5:46:53
Overal Place: 4304 (with 484 finishers behind me)
Sex Place: 37 (overall women 1610 with 312 behind me)
Age Place: 26 (with 6 behind me - this is Filly division)
Total Pace: 13:14/M
10K (6.2 miles) Rank: 4445
10K Time:1:25:34
10K Pace: 13:47/M
Halfway Rank (13.1 miles): 4450
Halfway Time: 2:52:37
Halfway Pace: 13:11/M (I finally found a Port-o-Potty without a long line at mile 12.5. I picked up a bit of speed after emptying my bladder.)
30K (18.6 miles) Rank: 4334
30K Time: 4:02:06
30K Pace: 13:01/M
35K (21.7 miles) Rank: 4180
35K Time: 4:44:17
35K Pace: 13:04/M
Finish Rank: 4304
Finish Time: 5:46:53
Finish Pace: 13:14/M (7.3 kph or 4.5 mph)

Ran 4.75 mph for 6.9 miles; 4.78 mph for 5.53 miles; 4.42 mph for 3.11 miles; 4.29 mph for 4.47 miles.

It was cold (29F at the start - 35F at finish). I was wearing some nice cold weather running gear (Under Armor) so I was not miserable as long as I kept moving, even broke a sweat. After I got off the bus that took me back to the finish line then I really felt the cold. Fortunately, Walter had the nice warm car waiting for me.

Thorlos makes some great socks. The race had to be delayed because of ice and to allow gravel to be laid on the route. When I took off my shoes, after I made it to the hotel, several tiny pieces of gravel were in my shoe but my feet were undamaged and I did not feel the gravel.

Congratulations to everyone who finished the race.

There will be a cartoon update tonight. No more skulls.

You Are a Seeker Soul

You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges. You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions. Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist. Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!). Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others. And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you. You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically. Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas. Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

There will not be an update on Sunday. I'll be in Austin, running in the cold weather.

I've entered a competition:

In association with Funkimobiles we are giving you the chance to get your comic featured on one of the hottest mobile content sites around, Funkimobiles.com (and to make some money in the process!) Funkimobiles currently features content from some of the freshest sites on the web, including Weebls Stuff, Little Gamers and Diesel Sweeties.

Vote for your favorite (A Perfect World) at http://www.thewebcomiclist.com/competitions/funkimobiles/vote.php

Only one vote is allowed per IP address

Thank you.

My bib number for the Freescale Austin Marathon is 2109. Sunday, February 19, 2006! 26.2 miles! http://www.freescaleaustinmarathon.com

This week I ran 21.68 miles, burned 2,517.5 calories and weigh 161.5 pounds.

Times:
Monday - 5K, 33:17
Wednesday - 5 miles, 55:00
Friday - 5K, 31:23
Saturday - 10 miles, 1:55:00

Goofy spam names:
Kiger I. Hodo
Brun S. Tobeyo
Experience P. Tights
Posies B. Trouping

Austin Freescale Marathon in about a week!

The weather...

It is gray. It is raining. It is cold. It sucks.

It is temporary.

I should be in bed, sleeping through it. How did I become a responsible adult? My job does not make any real difference. So why can't I just walk out right now?

Maybe part of me believes that I am the one thread that when pulled causes the whole tapestry to fall apart. I leave right now and the 301 exams don't get copied. That starts a chain of events that leads to a devastating natural disaster in China. Sort of a "butterfly effect" - a butterfly in South America flaps its wings and that leads to a hurricane over 1,000 miles away.

I hate winter. Fortunately, I live in a region where winter only lasts a week. I would have to go on a killing spree if I had to endure weeks of gray and cold.

Bah!

I better go copy the damn exams. The answers to questions 4, 6 and 16 is C, C and B.

I could not remain silent any longer. This whole Mohammed cartoon thing has gotten way out of hand. Muslims have the right to protest peacefully and even boycott products but death threats, guns, harassing random Scandinavians and grenades is a bit over the top. Four people were killed in Afghanistan over these stupid cartoons.

Now an Iranian newspaper wants to have a holocaust cartoon contest to see what kind of outrage it would produce. Let me save some time, it will produce nothing because the whole world will see through the childish ploy or there will be protests - peaceful protests and boycotts. No embassies stormed by gunmen, no grenades thrown at embassies, no Iranian workers or vacationers threatened and nobody getting killed in riots. Peaceful protest.

There are Muslim voices speaking out against the stupid violence but more need to be added. Surely, 1 billion Muslims can drown out the voices and acts of stupidity, hatred and violence that has infected their faith.

I've read about boycotts (which is an acceptable form of peaceful protest) but I have not read of any Muslim country returning any of the foreign aid that Denmark generously gives (2,037 million US dollars/ 0.85% of GNP in 2004 - http://www.globalissues.org/TradeRelated/Debt/USAid.asp) to developing countries (Iraq, Indonesia, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Egypt are among the top 10 recipients of foreign aid) around the world.

This week I ran 22.65 miles, burned 2,645 calories and weigh 161.3 pounds.

Times:
Tuesday - 5K, 29:10
Wednesday - 5 miles, 54:18
Thursday - 5K, 32:05
Saturday - 10.6 miles, 2:19:00

On Saturday I ran among crazy people. Members of my marathon training group decided to head to Huntsville State Park and run on the trails. The Rocky Raccoon 50 and 100 mile race was going on at the same time. The race director let us run on part of the trails with the racers. I did not get to talk to that many runners but I did see a deer. A doe ran across the trail about 20 feet in front of me. The trails were a nice change of pace and it was a gorgeous day. Required more focus because of all the tree roots and other rough patches of terrain. I even thought about entering an ultra- marathon trail race. This only proves that insanity is contagious.

The run was kind of a zen experience because I did not know how far I've been running and it was just the sounds of nature and my footfalls for most of the run. I was just enjoying the movement. On one part of the trail I felt like I was flying.

I have mixed emotions about Thomas Kinkade. I don't care for his art but apparently thousands enjoy the works of "the painter of light". I don't want to throw the words "sell out" around because I would not turn down money voluntarily given in exchange for my art. His painting skills are far superior to mine. I don't have the skills to make it as a "highlighter" with his studio/ factory.

I don't think of myself as some kind of elitist. People have the right to spend their money however they choose. I would question their taste but not out loud.

Viewing Kinkade's art makes my stomach a bit queasy but the above advertisement made me especially ill. I think it is the quote.

I don't begrudge Kinkade merchandising the heck out of his art. I would do the same thing but I would have to spend a lot of the fortune drowning out nagging feelings of doubt and some remorse at taking other people's money in exchange for treacle like Kinkade's art.

If I painted like Thomas Kinkade I would be afraid of people suddenly waking up and realizing that I was producing syrupy, sentimental crap and demand their money back. I could cope with returning the money but the anger would be too much to handle.

I don't paint like Thomas Kinkade so I should not worry about that.

I have weird anxieties.

Look what was in my e-mail bag!

Subject line: do the world a favor

please...no more comics, their terrible. You've wasted too much time!

The amount of time that I have simply wasted is my biggest regret but I cannot undo the past. No Ctrl-Z in real life.

English is a difficult language and I applaud you for getting it almost right. Homonyms are tough. The word you are looking for is they're, a contraction of they are.

Thank you for taking a moment of your time to compose and send your electronic missive.

Do something good for humanity - sterilization.

In early January I took a small leap. Unfit's (http://dilbert.com/comics/unfit/) creator is looking for a new artist. Mike Belkin and Scott Adams went with an open audition approach. Redraw an Unfit strip in your own style. Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert, posted the audition rules on his blog. I took some time away from A Perfect World and submitted a comic strip. That is my excuse for the clip art skull cartoons that have been appearing lately. I also fell behind for other reasons. The skulls were a quick way for me to regain some lead time.

You can see all the submissions here: http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2006/02/comic_artist_fo.html or here: www.looking4cartoonist.com. I'm artist #34. The site includes links to the artists' websites so you have an opportunity to see many comics and perhaps expand your comic horizons.

If you visit the site you can find out my real name (as if it is not published in several other venues all over the internet). I married into the last name so it is unlikely that I am related to you or anyone else you know. My husband is not related to Richard Causey (Enron accountant). Corrupt accountant is better than pedophile serial killer (a serial killer who is a pedophile not a serial killer that targets pedophiles) for adding notoriety to an uncommon last name but certainly not first prize. I share my maiden name with a mattress company, rock star, actress and a hyperactive exercise guru.

Belkin has a lot of talent to choose from. My art has not stood out enough to merit comment on the dilbertblog, so far. Judging my own work against others, I think I fall in the upper downward slope of the bell curve - the part just before the free fall (roller coaster metaphor). I feel okay about that. I have accepted the fact that there will always be better artists and writers but I know that I can at least run with them. I'm grateful for the opportunity to audition. Even if I don't get chosen, the comments and seeing art side by side will provide some pointers in improving my art.

This week I ran 40.69 miles, burned 4,607.7 calories and weigh 163.7 pounds. So far this year I have run 124.28 miles and burned 14,221.8 calories.

Times:
Monday - 5 miles, 50:36
Wednesday - 10 miles, 1:56:00
Thursday - 5 miles, 49:20
Sunday - 20 miles, 4:24:30 I don't know why I was so slow today. Normally, I would have finished this in 4 hours. It was a lovely day. Perhaps I was enjoying it a bit.

Walked 11,435 steps.

I ran 5 miles in under 50 minutes.

I went to the College of Engineering's premier of their new recruiting materials. Very impressive. Amazing what can be accomplished with a decent budget, a dedicated staff and a committed dean.

I read an article about family and personal mission statements. What a ridiculous thing to adopt from corporate culture.

What next? Family slogans? The Causey family - Quality is our middle name. Causey: we are better than you, deal with it. BeCausey we can!

Perhaps I can work up a logo.

I had to review a fair number of resumes recently. Most of them did not include an objective but those that did provided for some unintentional comedy. How to say nothing in 15 words or less.

I'm tempted to add this objective statement to my resume:
To earn as much money as possible in exchange for as little work as possible.

Walked 9,619 steps.

Spam subject lines:
Free Pass eyes
Set of employees (Oh Lord, a story problem!)
Regenerate your intimate existence? (Is that anything like an imaginary friend?)
We assure you that we can get you laid
Does it Behoove You to own This Stock? (Nice use of the word, behoove)
Eighteen World antilacrosser unique site with russian chored girls
leave chord

When I have nothing to write, spam comes to the rescue.

Walked 11,053 steps.

I had a very busy day at work with a dental appointment and a 5 mile run splitting the day in half.

I needed to shake up the routine.

The 99 cent double cheeseburger at Wendy's does not come with tomatoes. I asked for tomatoes because the sign at the cash register said that because of Hurricane Katrina tomatoes are only available upon request. I was not charged extra for the two slices of tomatoes. The precious, rare tomato slices.

This week I ran 21.72 miles and burned 2,573.5 calories.

Times:
Monday - 5K, 30:45
Wednesday - 5 miles, 52:22
Thursday - 5K, 30:29
Saturday - 9.5 miles, 1:53:00

Fun spam subject lines:

• Increase Cum Volume by 500% (Outside of the adult film industry why would anyone want to increase cum volume?)
• Diachronic Waterproof
• take a fax (no)
• Win a few Favorite Things (Why would I want to win raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles, warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings, cream colored ponies, crisp apple streudels, doorbells and sleigh bells, schnitzel with noodles, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes, snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes, and silver white winters that melt into springs?)
• Hello, I'm Daisy, Your account specialist (Nice to see Donald Duck's girlfriend - life partner(?) has a career. I wish her much success)
• Sweeter tasting sperm - Studies show it improves the flavor (Who participated in those studies and how much compensation did they receive?)

Here are the full lyrics of the song that is now stuck in my head:

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad

Lyrics courtesy of Lyricsondemand.com

Walked 10,144 steps.

I'm going to bed.

Good night.

Walked 8,500 steps.

Yesterday's e-mail was not as frightening as I originally thought. Subject lines can be deceiving.

This week's book:

Position of the Day: Sex Every Day in Every Way

Appeared in this cartoon:

Walked 9,061 steps.

I ate too much pizza.
I don't want to read my e-mail.
I can't think of anything to write.
I had too much to dream last night.

Deep breath.

Walked 8,450 steps.

I enjoyed a day off yesterday but I was confronted with two mundane questions.

1. Why don't the cash registers in newer stores have a quantity key? The lady ringing up my groceries yesterday must have felt silly scanning a Power Bar 14 times. I asked if she had a quantity key and she replied that her cash register did not have one. The cash registers at Super Wal-Mart do not have quantity keys either.
2. What is the deal with the huge difference between formal and informal writing? Informal writing does not mean one throws out all rules regarding punctuation.

For your amusement - HATE MAIL

Exhibit 1

Subject Line: your comics

are horrible.

in a perfect world, your site wouldn't exist

FFF FF FFFF FF YOU'RE FIRED-Donald (Berticus) Trump

Clever - integrate the title into the hate mail. The existence of my site only proves that the world is a cruel place.

Exhibit 2
OH MY GOD YOU ARE NOT FUNNY! YOU ARE THE STUPIDEST BITCH EVER why dont you
just stop and delete the website, i wish i never saw this, i want my ten
minutes back, u arent funny, i didnt even laugh in my mind when i saw this,
not funnny, stop now, kill urslef, u suck, i want my ten minutes back....
and what the fuck is up with the nose things.. fuck u make me sick

Nope, you are not getting your ten minutes back. I've already used them. I had a great time with your ten minutes. One word: foreplay. I wonder did the ten minutes include the time spent in composing the above missive?

I also got some fan mail.

I appreciate everyone who cares enough to send me a note. Even the ones who hate my cartoons, at least I provoked something in you. I bet the outrages perpetrated by various levels of government do not stir you as much as my little one panel cartoons.

Buy gold. Don't run spell check when reprinting hate mail.

I don't know what brought this train of thought on. I hate being singled out because it rarely has been a positive experience. Uncomfortable at best - humiliating at worst. I don't know why I'm thinking about these past experiences. Maybe I need to get them out of my head.

What is weird is the loathing I feel toward my younger self. I would love to erase that person from existence but no matter how much I hate her - she is me and I would not be the person I am today if not for her.

There is nothing I can do about the past but sometimes it comes up and it hurts.

Maybe I needed to beat the sh*t out of some people. That was expected of me since I was so much bigger than the others. Yeah right, beat the sh*t out of them and get into further trouble.

I guess no one could wrap their mind around a non-aggressive big kid. It was your job to make them stop.

Yeah, I was a first class dork but you did not have to abet them.

Two of you are dead. You did not have the strength to face your demons. So you killed yourself. Tell me, who is the f*ck*ng pussy now?

I feel better. These thoughts are out for the world to see. They can get lost in the noise.

This week ran 22.17 miles, burned 2,611.9 calories and weigh 163.8 pounds.

Times:
Monday: 5K - 32:53
Wednesday: 5 miles - 50:31
Thursday: 5K - 31:34
Saturday: 10 miles - 1:56:00

Goofy spam names and subject lines:
Improve sperm morphology
GOD HAS MAKE A WAY WHERE IS NO WAY (Yeah! God!)
No matter what your gaming preference Linda, we're the be (We're number on)
Chit Q. Exist
Jan 2006: Googling, bouncing, landing, phishing (Describes my sex life - TMI!)
Re: orgy (I regard orgies with a bit of revulsion)
As understand he persuasive insinuate delight (Zippy the Pinhead write spam subject lines)
Scandalizes T. Sloane
Fast and easy - the way you like it (Now, this is getting too personal)
As send on futureless baby administrative
gavel interact
destined nonconformist (Almost a T-shirt slogan)
Refinance the Right Way Christian Family Loans (Christians are not impose usury upon other Christians. It's in the New Testament - check it out.)

Walked 5,020 steps.

Strange spam subject lines:
glaciate innovation (This one has a bumper sticker ring to it. I might use it for my skull series)
Is translate is portrayal
Of fit as marvel dejected
He draw as cinematography route
nightingale
poke my throat now!!! become

Walked 5,480 steps.

Time to call Dell. I have done everything that tech support has advised and still cannot get online via DSL. The culprit might be a bad NIC card. That part was installed by Dell and therefore part of the warranty. Now, the fun part is to get a body out to the church or be able to take the computer to a body to fix it it.

This is why I don't do fix computers professionally.

I love January at the gym. Seeing all the new faces. Waiting to use equipment. The crowds will thin out by mid-February. I appreciate the January crowd because they subsidize my membership. I commend those that stick with it.

I also like the January crowd because the showers warm up faster in the morning. That is not a major concern for me anymore since I work out in the evening but I did appreciate it when I worked out in the morning.

This week I ran 39.7 miles, burned 4,428.7 calories and weigh 162.3 pounds.

Times:
Monday - 5K: 32:37
Wednesday - 9 miles: 1:41:00
Thursday - 5 miles: 55:00
Saturday - 22 miles: 4:33:00

One of the guys in my running group celebrated 25,000 miles ran.

I'm going to try for 1,000 miles this year. This will be my third attempt. I've been close the past two years with over 900 miles.

Walked 4,636 steps.

This Saturday is the 22 mile training run and the weather is going to be fabulous. Fabulous for running.

I need to register for the marathon.

I need to update the profile picture. It is over a year old. Maybe I'll post a shot of me with my new "butch" haircut.

Yesterday I walked 5,311 steps.

I sacrificed time with my own cartoon in order to take advantage of an opportunity. I felt it was worthwhile and it is a small step toward my goals. I needed to do this immediately. I can make up the productivity lost while pursuing this opportunity.

I received an e-mail from a fan. She wants to do a presentation about my cartoons for a class project and requested some interesting and funny background information about myself.

This brought to mind a thought puzzle I read in college.

Everyone in the world is placed on two lists. One list is interesting people and the other is uninteresting people. Both lists are ranked. Wouldn't being ranked the least interesting person on earth make one interesting?

It would make a decent 1 minute conversation at a cocktail party:
Hi, I'm Tom and I am ranked the most uninteresting person on earth.
How interesting.

Being ranked at the bottom of the uninteresting list would make one interesting enough to make the other list. That would lead to different uninteresting person on earth. I think you can see where this is leading.

I've never been to a cocktail party. I've been to parties where cocktails were served but that was not the primary excuse for the party.

I think that would be a fun to host a cocktail party. A real one like from late 50's to early 60's. Swanky lounge music, everybody dressed up and of course the cocktails. I wonder where I can rent some Danish modern furniture.

Oh look what Google came up with: http://www.digsmagazine.com/host/host_cocktailparty.htm

Walked 6,659 steps.

Nothing church related has gone smoothly for me. Still working on the computer. Anyone know how to re-enable a disabled video adapter? I will attempt to follow Dell's online instructions to reset to factory settings.

I tried to print labels for the church newsletter but the online database is not acting right. I found a work around. It will be a bit long but will result in some labels.

It will get better. No need to take it too seriously, it's just church.

Maybe I was going crazy on Tuesday.

Google brought me something good in the mail.

I bought another pedometer. I walked 6,228 steps.

Zicam is a great product. I got my cold Friday morning. Rested Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Went to work today and even ran 5K after work. I felt great. I have a bit of a cough but I always have a cough after a cold.

I did feel a little groggy this morning but that passed quickly.

I've suspected that catalog writers use random words to designate colors. Nothing is red, green or blue; it is ruby, emerald or topaz; or cherry, kale, or berry; or holly, pine or sagebrush. Sometimes other words modify the color - ruby red, grass green or sky blue. Catalog writers tend to get a bit too creative in designating colors but at least there has been some consistency in the designation. Pine is the same color throughout the catalog, as is navy, oak, moss, sky or sagebrush.

Cabela's has given up consistency in color designation and has allowed its catalog writers to run amok with the color designations. Dark mushroom is lighter than mushroom. Steele blue and dark blue are the same color but the steele blue on one page is different from the steele blue on another page.

This is going nowhere. I give up.

I found the color designations in Cabela's catalog a bit bewildering and sort of funny and then assumed that others would find it funny if I shared my bewilderment but then I just realized that I do not have the writing skills to make it funny or at least halfway interesting to read. I apologize for this piss poor attempt at witty observational humor.

Please move on. Nothing funny here.

This week's book:

1,000 Places to See Before You Die

This book made an appearence in this cartoon:

I'm ringing in the New Year with a cold. Thank God for Zicam, Nyquil and Alka-Seltzer Cold Plus.

This week I ran 21.14 miles, burned 2,569.1 calories and weigh 164.3 pounds.

Times:
Monday: 5K in 52:38 (walked this one because of a sore knee)
Wednesday: 5 miles in 53:50
Thursday: 5K in 36:15
Friday: 9 miles in 1:48:00

In 2005 I ran 916.31 miles and burned 110,972.4 calories.

Goofy spam subject lines. Yes, actual subject lines from my deleted items folder:
I beg, save our daughter
your private invitation Boris
Save hard working money (Lazy money can fend for itself)
This one will go crazy on Tuesday (Received this one 5 times. I wish I had the courage or stupidity to actually open these e-mails. I would like to know exactly who or what is going to go crazy on Tuesday so that I can make other plans. It is nice to have a warning about craziness. Too often it just appears unexpectantly.)
emeritus Get the favor with our fashion goods. pitman
Your woman wants a replica
Replica for you
Accept no inferiors. Our accessories are the best in in their field
Or want a hedgehog drub
your private invitation Darius
blutwurst Give the impression of being your greatest ans accessorize with our precious fashion must-haves. clasp
Linda The Comparison Is Eerie
Have you ever noticed (Why yes, I have noticed. I notice a lot)
(((((( CONGRATULATIONS YOU HAVE WORN )))))) (Wow! I'm a worner!)
decorate avenue
The human pheromone exists, its a fact
Ranger Rick magazine: A roaring good time for kids (That doesn't describe the Ranger Rick magazine I remember)
Is someone on the phone
need a break from the rink as much
Unexampled futility for public 320 pewdom
slugabed doughy
the time fo your life is waiting for you (as seen on Dr phil)
hacienda cloudlet
negationist kerb
Ball C. Dibble
tom Paddy

I have a cold. I ran this morning, anyway.

I'm too wired to sleep and too physically tired to do something productive. I have just enough energy to type.

I can type but I have nothing to say.

I hate this state of being.

Temporary, but it still sucks.

Why do they make the pill packs so difficult to open?

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you come near?

I got a hair cut yesterday. The lady cutting my hair asked me four times if I was sure if I wanted it so short. I told her I would sign papers releasing her from any responsibility. My roots are gray and there was an obvious line and that was bothering me so I asked to have my hair cut at the gray line.

It is short and I have a lot more gray than I thought.

I spent the day reinstalling software on the church computer. Thanks to a boneheaded mistake, I have to open up the computer to correct the mistake. I hope that it works. Then I get to take the computer back and try to reinstall the DSL software. The stupid DSL software will not install if the monitor resolution is too low and since I did not have the monitor drivers I could not change the settings. It makes no sense that the DSL software is concerned about monitor resolution.

I hope God is forgiving and flexible in regards to certain sins. Otherwise, there will be several people who work on computers burning along with murderers, rapists and others. The concept of hell and God giving the same punishment to everyone I cannot accept. Man does not give the death penalty for every offense. I believe in God but not the conception that several ministers preach. It is an insult to God to say that he does things that man does not. God is greater than man.

Judaism says God is too big to name. God is too great for me to understand.

A few days ago I needed a good name for a school for the deaf, so I searched the web for patron saints. Thanks to Google, I hit pay dirt. The Catholics have a patron saint for just about everything. I find Catholicism fascinating - the saints, the rituals, the costumes. I understand why that religion is such a rich mine for comedy. Unitarian-Universalism does allow one to find their own truth and meaning and upholds the inherent worth and dignity of all people but when it comes to comedy, the mine does not yield much. Just some jokes about coffee.

Jokes about silly movements and chants in R.E. do not compare with jokes about scary nuns. UUs do not grow up to become comedians. It takes repressive dogma and stupid creeds and senseless rituals to mold a comedian.

Why does a cardinal upon becoming pope have to change his name? Joseph is a perfectly popey*(?) name. Why did he change it to Benedict? Is there an approved list? What if a cardinal's name is already on the approved list of pope names? Would he have to change it anyway?

There are funny things about Unitarian-Universalism but only to Unitarian-Universalists.

For the love of God, god, goddess, deity, non-deity, spirit, humanity, light, earth, cosmos, universe, wisdom, love, prophets, great teachers, soul and the undefinable thing, can't Unitarian-Universalists agree upon a shorter name for their religion!?!

Unitarian-Universalists agree - now that's funny.

*Trademark - Linda Causey 2005

I have the complete Monty Python's Flying Circus on DVD. Freakonomics arrived in the mail. All I need now is Walter back home and things will be perfect. Walter is taking care of some important business. He will be back soon.

I'm temp fostering a Deerhound mix named Madison. She is a very active dog like Masey. They have been playing together. I'm surprised Masey has not drawn blood with the way that she grabs and tugs Maddy's ears and neck. One can learn a lot about wrestling from observing dogs at play, especially dogs unevenly matched in size.

Maddy snores very loudly.

I'm enjoying my week off.

Time to eat and watch some Monty Python.

This week I ran 21.16 miles, burned 2,570.6 calories and weigh 163.3 pounds.

Times:
Tuesday: 5K - 30:54
Wednesday: 5 miles - 51:06
Thursday: 5K - 29:55
Friday: 9 miles - 1:48:00

I visited the Freescale Austin Marathon website and found this question and answer:

Q: What are Clydesdale and Filly divisions?
A: Clydesdale and filly divisions are based on a runner's weight. To be eligible for the clydesdale division, men must weigh 190lbs. or more. To be eligible for the filly division, women must weigh 140lbs. or more. All runners are placed in the open division at the time of registration. If you would like to be placed in the filly or clydesdale division, you must weigh in at the Expo on race weekend.

140 pounds! Holy crap! That is a low weight. I may have weighed 150 when I reached my full adult height at age 16. White Rock has their weights at 160 (women) - 200 (men). 140!

Granted, 140 pounds is within the "healthy" range for someone of my height (129 - 169 at 69 inches) but the idea of it being the minimum to compete in a "heavy" runner class boggles my mind. I think having the Clydesdale division is a great thing because it encourages people with different body types to participate but setting the mark so low for women, I think, sends a mixed message. I was under the impression that the weights were standard across all marathons with a Clydesdale/ Filly division.

When the picture I have on this blog was taken, I weighed 160 pounds. Yeah, that is what 160 looks like. I weighed 220 pounds when I decided to do something - that was in 1999. I've been in the "healthy" range since Feb. 2004. I've kept records since 2002 - my top weight was 204.3 pounds according to records.

How did I do it? 75% vigorous exercise - 25% controlling food portions. The Body for Life program kicked started things for me. It helped me get strong enough to run 5 miles and that led to me being strong enough to train for a marathon. I'm now training to run my third marathon. I would encourage you to participate a 12 week challenge (Body for Life or Lee Labrada's challenge or one at a local gym). These build a good foundation for a long term commitment to improving one's health. The results advertised on the websites are unusually dramatic but for most people there is an improvement after 12 weeks and more importantly these challenges lead to permanent lifestyle changes. We all have to start somewhere - just start.

I'll check out last year's results and see how many ran in the Filly division. I suspect more than the 29 that ran in the 2004 White Rock. Yeah, I know, I'm complaining about the weight standards but placement looks more impressive in a smaller division. I still qualify for Filly division regardless of the minimum for Austin.

According to my files, I've drawn 1,239 comics. One thousand, two hundred and thirty-nine comics. Most funny, others baffling and a fair number of stinkers but I've never drawn a comic about fruitcake. Not a single comic. It just isn't Christmas without fruitcake gags in the funny pages.

I've never been able to write a fresh variation on fruitcake's long shelf life. I rarely think about fruitcake. It has appeared on my personal radar because of all the comic strips that I read. This made me realize that I've never drawn a fruitcake gag. Thousands of cartoonists have tread a path that I have managed to avoid.

I like fruitcake but if you are deciding on something to send me, I would prefer a greeting card with a heartfelt message, a gift card or cash.

Doing some random Blogger surfing before lunch and thought I would share some of the gems:

Life In Three Hills: http://murray49.blogspot.com/
Includes a misplaced apostrophe in the profile name and writing in third person. This blog is new. It will grow and improve or someone will lose interest.

Something to Chew On: http://somethinktochewon.blogspot.com/ Interesting thoughts on a variety of topics.

Uhm, second time. http://eipipuz.blogspot.com/ Mostly mundane stuff, like my blog. Also has sleep issues. What is with all the Ford Explorer ads on the Google network?

First Priority - English http://wilson-englishacer.blogspot.com/ A Merry Christmas from Singapore. Also a glimpse into the future. Entry date: Thursday, December 22. Date here in my part of the world: Wednesday, December 21.

Masonic Traveler http://masonictraveler.blogspot.com/ Oo, Oo, Freemason fight! Freemason fight!

Finglish! http://finglish.blogspot.com/ A King Kong movie review and some Finnish.

Noble Cat http://noblekitten.blogspot.com/ Kitty pictures! The text is in Spanish but who cares, there are kitty pictures.

Check out Pandora.com. I learned about this from Gutterboy Live, a Live Journal. It is a great tool for streaming music. You type in an artist that you like and Pandora builds a station based on that artist and introduces you to new artists with similar music. You can have multiple stations. So far I have Petula Clark Radio (with Burt Bacharach added), Ray Charles Radio, Willie Nelson Radio (with Johnny Cash and Dolly Parton added) and John Coletrane Radio.

The Willie Nelson Radio station has been most interesting because country is not the only genre that Pandora draws upon in choosing songs to play. I've heard Chris Isaak, Tonic, Train, Kelly Clarkson and other non-country musicians.

Pandora is part of the music genome project so it picks songs based on beats per minute, production qualities and other criteria. There is a rating system so if you do not like something that song will not be heard again. If you like something Pandora finds other songs like it.

Unfortunately, it does not do classical or world music. Only available to U.S. listeners.

Go check it out. I'm going to attempt to build a Ravi Shankar station.

This week I ran 39.9 miles, burned 4,638 calories and weigh 165.3 pounds.

Monday: 5 miles - 52:14
Wednesday: 9 miles - 1:43:39
Thursday: 5 miles - 56:00
Sunday: 20 miles - 4:00:00

Walter gave me a MP3 player for Christmas. I test drove it on my 20 mile run. The beat affects my speed. I sailed through mile 18 because of "Tank!" from the Cowboy BeBop soundtrack. Fortunately, KC and the Sunshine Band's, "Boogie Man" slowed me down enough to avoid a heart attack, then Perry Como's, "Papa Loves Mambo" brought me back to a non-heart-pounding pace.

I have 2.75 miles worth of music on the player. I need to get more. Time to do some conversion.
---------------
Why stop at Christmas? Put the Christ back into Christianity.

I have 5 illustrations in this book. Pages 5, 68, 143, 229, 294. I have my own copy. The squirrel on the cover is a Texas A&M squirrel that is part a study on urban squirrel populations. It is wearing a radio collar. I have no idea what it is chewing on - maybe it is trying to unwrap some candy. Definitely chewing on something man made. There are several squirrels on campus outfitted with these collars.

Robert Gates, the University president, used to be director of the CIA. Some students think that the collared squirrels is President Gates' way of monitoring the student population.

It is a cool thing to add to my list of publications and portfolio.

List of the day:

List what's in your glove compartment.

1. Gloves
2. Proof of Insurance
3. Owner's manual
4. Car repair/ maintenance receipts

I received a family newsletter type Christmas card from my Congressman (Chet Edwards - D). He's a good Congressman but I don't care about his son's sporting activities nor the family trip to Disney World. I only care about what he has done in Congress.

He did not use the phrase Merry Christmas. Doing his part to annoy the Christian right.

I find Christian right getting annoyed at President Bush for the lack of the phrase Merry Christmas on his holiday cards but not so annoyed about the deception or incompentence leading to the Iraq War amusing. It's the trivial shit that Americans truly care about.

Maybe I should send a holiday newsletter to Congressman Edwards. I'm sure he is interested in my activities of the past year.

My face is on fire!

I've been using Nutragena soap to do something about my acne. Apparently the soap works by burning off several layers of skin.

Today's list:

List what's under your kitchen sink:

1. Dishwasher detergent
2. Empty gallon water jug
3. Bucket

That's it.

This week's book:

Land of Nod: Rockabye Book

I bought "List Yourself" in 2002. It is sort of a guided journal. I've written in it sporadically. For fun, I will post some of the more mundane lists from the chapter "Daily Life". The book has other types of lists but those are too personal to share in a public forum.

List all the things you hide when your friends come to visit:

1. Porn
2. The bedrooms
3. Jackets
4. Clutter
5. Vacuum cleaner

A killer app: a device that sends a signal to your computer when you die to erase files that you do not want your loved ones seeing. These files would be stored in a special folder and only those files in that folder would be erased.

Check out this live journal:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/gutterboylive/

Be sure to dowload Wing singing AC/DC's Back in Black. Take your dog out of the room before you play the song.

Masey has squeaky ball issues. She will fetch the ball and play with it very carefully to keep it from squeaking but as soon as it squeaks she runs to her kennel and refuses to come out without a lot of persuasion. I'll have to ask with her previous foster about that.

I ran 19.67 miles and burned 2,423 calories and weigh 164 pounds.

Times from this week and the week before:
11-28: 6.03 miles in 1:05:00
11-29: 6.14 miles in 1:05:00
12-07: 5.4 miles in 55:00
12-08: 5 miles in 50:37
12-10: 8.6 miles in 1:55:00

I ran the 8.6 miles with Masey. She did not get tired at all.

My life and updates will become more sporadic the rest of this month.

I received a complaint about my excessive use of the snooze button. Walter complained. He's the only one that shares the bed with me. That first sentence implies a multitude in my bedroom. He has a valid point but why did he have to make it during one of the snooze cycles? I've decreased the volume on the alarm and will attempt to keep the snoozes down to three.

Why not set the alarm to 5:29 am and not use the snooze button? I cannot offer a logical rebuttal against that idea. The snoozes serve as a transition from sleep to awake. A chance to resolve interrupted dreams. It takes a great deal of motivation to compel me to skip the transition. Work is not sufficient motivation.

When I let my natural rhythms take over, I tend to waken about 7:30 am. Sunrise usually occurs between 7:00 and 7:15 am. Unfortunately, the university wants me at work at 8:00 am, thus I subvert nature. A small price to pay for a job that supports my outside of work habits and allows me to earn money to more than pay for my basic needs.

I know I complain about my sleep a lot but I can also count my blessings. At least I have a bed, a house, a job and a loving spouse. I am grateful.

I look forward to the long winter holiday.

Today, I experienced the one of the joys of non-essentialness. I received a day off from work. Texas A&M closed, except for essential personnel, because of the icy conditions. The level of ice we received may not seem like much to those of you in northern climes but we Texans cannot drive in this kind of weather. 50 accidents in one day. Probably yankees claiming that they can drive in this icy weather since they grew up in northern climates.

I spent the day catching up on some laundry and cleaning and most importantly, sleep.

I hate cold temperatures but the ice encased trees and flowers made for a lovely sight. Several cardinals and doves roosted in the backyard. A lovely sight to behold from inside a warm house.

The final official count from Radio MASH: 4,801 children.

We finished filling orders at 10:35pm on Sunday. Some organizations picked up their toys and they had some last minute children. We hooked them up.

The residents of the Brazos Valley, once again, came through generously.

After working at Radio MASH, I've formulated a strategy for winning the war in Iraq.

Send in the Girl Scouts. I know, sending children into a war zone seems mean-spirited and cruel and according to the comment attached to the previous post, as a Unitarian-Universalist I'm not allowed to display one iota cruelty, not even in a joking way. That is why there are few Unitarian-Universalist jokes that do not involve questions and coffee. Also, that is why there are few Unitarian-Universalists. Who can stand the pressure of being nice, tolerant and open-minded all the time?

Back to my strategy. Send the Girl Scouts to search for insurgents (or whatever the term du jour - I've been out of the loop for 4 days). When Girl Scouts perform a task they do not do so quietly. They don't just talk - they scream. They scream a lot. They scream for a long time. Woe to any insurgent the Girl Scouts actually find. When Girl Scouts complete a task successfully, they scream louder. Insurgents will surrender to Army or Marines to avoid the Girl Scouts. The whole country will be insurgent free inside a week.

It is unlikely the Girl Scouts would find an actual insurgent because of an inability to retain instructions and are easily distracted but what they lack in competence they compensate with enthusiasm. When Girl Scouts are enthusiastic, they scream. To be fair, Boy Scouts suffer from the same inability to retain information and possess the same lack of focus and are just as enthusiastic but they don't scream. That puts Boy Scouts way ahead of Girl Scouts in my book.

-------------
The interesting thing about creative names is that after 13 years of working this toy drive I recognize the names. DaQuandrance is now in middle school and Timothy's two oldest sisters, with bizarre names are now adults but his four other sisters with even more bizarre names are still eligible to receive toys. Thankfully, his family list is shrinking. Some family lists never seem to shrink. Dequarious' family has stuck with one child all these years.

-------------
Why are there lots of classes on how to deal with difficult co-workers but none on fixing difficult co-workers? Would it not be more efficient to send the difficult co-worker to a behavior modification class rather than send the entire office to a class on how to deal with the co-worker?

The current count of children on the Radio MASH list is 4,760. Yesterday orders for over 500 children were filled. Over 300 orders have been picked up and on their way to the intended children.

We hit Big Lots twice. The local Big Lots is going out of business so everything is 20% off. They have a lot of good toys for a low price. We will probably clean them out by the end of the weekend.

First National Bank employees and members of the Bryan Police Department provided some great volunteer assistance.

The soldiers from the Texas Army National Guard are doing great this year. We are short on tents but everyone is handling it well.

Today, we will go for 1,000 orders.

What is Radio MASH?, ask the voices in my head and the 2 people who actually read this blog.

Radio MASH is an 100 hour toy drive benefitting the underprivileged children of the Brazos Valley. MASH stands for Make A Smile Happen. Equicom Radio provides the radio broadcast and serves as a contact point for various organizations to make their toy requests. The Texas Army National Guard provides the tents and military equipment for display. Members of the USS Intangible (Star Trek fan club) prepare the toys for delivery. Volunteers from other organizations provide a lot of help. We also get the occasional volunteer doing community service hours.

During the broadcast donations of new and gently used toys and cash are accepted. Also there is a raffle - proceeds used to buy toys.

Churches, schools, daycares and non-profit agencies are contacted by Equicom to get lists of children in need. Last year, 4,000 children received toys. Radio MASH also provides stuffed animals for the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Club's Jingle Bell Run and chew toys (stuffed animals not suitable to give away to children) for Woodstock Animal Rescue. Other charitable organizations get left overs.

Radio MASH will be running from 10:00 am Thursday until 10:00 am Monday, December 1 - 5 in the Post Oak Mall parking lot under the sign on the corner of Harvey Road and Highway 6 in College Station, Texas. If you are in the area, come by, gawk, donate or volunteer. If you are in the College Station area you can listen to the broadcast on 98.3 (country), 101.9 (light rock), 103.9 (rock) and 1240AM (Spanish).

I have resumed the getting up early experiment. I accomplish a few things with the extra time but I need a nap but can't take one because I have to go to work. I'll do the experiment for one more day then suspend it for Radio MASH.

I work more hours at Radio MASH than I do at my regular job. I love it. The sore muscles, various interpretations of gently used, mass quantity shopping, creative names, disturbing toys, snarky comments about birth control, the full range of Texas weather, leaky tents, flat Coke, good food, laughter, interesting smells, clueless volunteers, loading, unloading, stuffing toys into cars, noisy toys going off at random, thoughts of murdering the person who set off Elmo for the 6,000th time, trolls, stuffed animals, weird books and little boys named Tyler - often addressed by their full name, Tylerputthatdown!

I'm tingling with anticipation.

This week's book:

Too Much Coffee Man's Amusing Musings

There will be no updates on Thursday and Sunday.

This week I ran 23.92 miles, burned 2,883.8 calories and weigh 163.5 pounds.

Monday ran 4 miles in 41:27
Tuesday ran 2.60 miles in 35:00
Wednesday ran 5 miles in 52:47
Friday ran 4.38 miles in 1:05:00
Saturday ran 7 miles in 1:23:22

4 days until Radio MASH.

Goofy spam names:
Wean Diesel
Voluptuary Q. Nautically
Van Damage

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I enjoyed visiting my family and the turkey was good. The Dallas Cowboy game was real tense. Too bad they lost it in overtime.

I bought some spray repellent but after reading the first aid instructions I decided not to use it and will take it back to Petco. Perhaps exchange it for something to spray on the dog to make her smell better. I put a cinder block over the drain and a board to limit access to the air conditioner. Physical barriers rather than chemical barriers will be safer for everyone.

I'm trying to keep a positive outlook about Sunday. Maybe I can watch a football game.

"Bitter End" is not working. Masey still removes the drain cover and she has started chewing on the AC Unit. Time to go to Petco and get the repellent. If that does not work then it is time for beatings (just kidding). It will become time to get a different dog.

I hope she has not done much damage to the AC Unit. Luckily, there was no current running through it.

Masey needs a playmate or something to keep her from getting bored and destroying things. Masey needs a large family.

This whole attempting to get up by 5:30am thing stinks. Sure, it might make me more productive and successful but dammit I need to sleep. Productive, successful and cranky is no way to go through life. I'll try to pick up the habit again after Thanksgiving. Maybe after Christmas. My body clock might get used to it eventually or I will have to settle for less productive, less successful but happy.

I need to unsubscribe to "success" e-mail newsletters. They are causing me to try crazy things like getting up earlier, responding to commercial inquiries, taking a more active hand in my career direction and thinking about my spending more carefully. Next thing I know I'll be investing in real estate using their fool proof method. Or worse, attend a seminar.

I need to start my own "success" newsletter. One that convinces readers that the true path to happiness involves sharing a small portion of their personal wealth with me and that small portion shared with me will provide 10-fold increase in their wealth. Not an original idea - tele-evangelists offer that promise all the time. Not smearing the name of Jesus and honesty about where the money would go (my pockets) distinguishes me from the tele-evangelist. My "success" newsletter would promote the virtues of sleeping in.

Actually the "success" newsletters that I subscribe to contains useful information and ideas between the hyperbolic advertisements and the occasional forays into foil beanie territory. Take what I can use and leave the rest.

I did not check the drain cover this morning to see whether or not Masey removed it. I'll do that this evening.

After work, I think I'll run instead of my usual workout. 30 minutes worth of sprints.

Tomorrow is a short work day. Hooray!

8 days until Radio MASH!

Yesterday I bought some "Bitter End" to help Masey stop chewing on some items in the backyard. I'm not sure how well it is working. Masey grabs the drain cover and then drops it when she realizes how nasty it tastes. I want her to leave the drain cover alone. Maybe she will figure it out. I hope she stays away from the water hose.

Petco also has a spray repellent product. I might try that next to keep her away from parts of the backyard.

I inhaled a bit of "Bitter End" mist while spraying. The taste is very difficult to get out of my mouth.

I also bought some air freshner, Poop Off and corn cob bedding for Salvador.

The getting up earlier experiment failed this morning. Try again tomorrow morning.

This week I ran 31.59 miles, burned 3,676.7 calories and weigh 163.5 pounds.

Monday: 4 miles - 43:26
Wednesday: 7 miles - 1:20:00
Thursday: 4 miles - 42:41
Saturday: 16 miles - 3:19:00

Salvador can fly! He can't fly as well as usual but he can fly.

Tomorrow, I run 16 miles.

A computer does not work like a typewriter.

I had to spruce up a table someone sent me. This person created their version of the table the old-fashioned way. Tabs. Yes, this person actually created the columns by tabbing - the way it was done on a typewriter.

I created an actual table and selectively removed borders to make lines between parts of data. It looks great.

Tabs!

Sheesh!

Masey captured Salvador. Fortunately, none of Sal's bones appear to be broken but he lost most of tail feathers. I did not find any blood feathers. Sal does have a bit of bare flesh on his back side.

I have a small bite wound on my thumb that I received while removing Sal from Masey's mouth. Sal used his beak to maintain a firm grip on Masey's lip. I washed the wound and will keep an eye on it.

I displayed some behavior that I find annoying in others. My bird almost got killed. Walter warned me about this but I did not take it as seriously as I should have. The dog would get used to the bird and ignore it, Sal can fly high away from the dog.

Salvador is very traumatized. Now it has gotten through to me that the bird and the dog cannot be out at the same time - ever. Damn, I can be thick sometimes. Yes, stupid does hurt. I suppose there is some comfort that the infrequency of my stupid acts prevents me from becoming dulled to the pain.

I hope Walter can remove Sal from his shoulder. I needed help removing Sal from my shoulder in order to get dressed this morning. Sal will step on to my finger then on to my shoulder but he would not step on to my finger from the shoulder but he would step on to Walter's finger. He behaved the same way with Walter.

Questions to ponder:
Do I want to continue fostering dogs despite the risk to Salvador?
Do I have the ability to be vigilant about making sure that Sal and a dog are not out at the same time?
Can I give Sal and a foster dog the right amount of attention under these restrictions?
Can I give up doing something I enjoy for the sake of Sal? I have difficulty giving things up.

I had one of the best night's sleep I've ever had in a long time, courtesy of Walter.

I need to print some business cards.

The professional meeting went well and I learned something. I did not flounder at the small talk. Just talked about the job and publications. Secured an article for a newsletter and will exchange an annual report with another department. I look forward to the next meeting.

The temperature has dropped 30 degrees. I love Texas weather.

The 1970's in Europe: http://www.omodern.com/

The site is in a Scandanavian language but fluency in those languages is unnecessary. The pictures speak for themselves.

I slept the whole night! WooHoo! I feel good.

I look forward to attending a "professional" meeting later this afternoon. I'm trying this networking thing to enhance my career and learn a thing or two. The meeting is about de-mystifing I.T. This meeting will also have a "networking" opportunity.

I hate "networking". I dislike the conotation of making connections with people for the sole purpose of career advancement. We all use each other to some extent but to have the idea so up front bothers me. I suppose I could think of it more as mutual aid rather than use.

The idea of interacting with a room full of strangers causes a bit of discomfort. If I don't get a bit uncomfortable, I don't grow and my career gets stuck. Not to mention my life would suck. Not in the grinding poverty - poor health - major disaster sense but more in a very slow soul killing sense. Everything on the outside looks great while the inner self rots.

With luck an extrovert will be in attendence to carry the conversation or at least provide me some direction. I can handle the introductions. I tend to flounder a bit beyond that without something from the other person.

Ok, I admit it. I cannot make small talk.

So many unknowns here.

Jeez, it's just a @#$%! meeting. Relax, learn and enjoy.

Ran 20.97 miles, burned 2,635.3 calories and weigh 164 pounds.

Monday: 4 miles in 43:53
Wednesday: 5 miles in 54:16
Friday: 4 miles in 42:41
Saturday: 7 miles in 1:22:00

This week's book:

Seamonsters & Superheroes, Vol. 1

I ordered a cake for Walter's birthday party. I'll purchase decorations to match the cake when I pick it up tomorrow.

I slept from 11:00 pm to 4:30 am. I looked at the clock and went back to sleep.

I posted a multi-panel cartoon this morning. I would have posted last night but a meeting went a bit long. The extra meeting time was necessary. If nothing else to get some feelings out.

A Veteran's Day rant:

Thank you to all the Veterans.

This rant addresses alleged French rudeness and ingratitude. France's policies sometimes clash with U.S. policies and when they do some pundits use the liberation of France during World War II as a justification for France bashing. Bill O'Reilly and his show is boycotting France over the Iraq War. On The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, O'Reilly used the phrase "we liberated them" to criticize France for not joining the Iraq War.

Bill O'Reilly is in the wrong business. He should sell the secrets of his youthful appearence. If he was part of the "we" that liberated France then he is the most youthful looking and vital octogenerian I've ever seen. The man could make billions and gain the universal love and affection of humanity selling his secrets.

I doubt Bill O'Reilly or any of his staff helped liberate France from Nazi Germany. They are not entitled to any gratitude from the French. Americans under the age of 70 are not entitled to any gratitude from the French people. Only a portion of the French people owe a shrinking portion of the U.S. population a debt of gratitude. The rest of us have no right to take credit or expect gratitude for the brave deeds of our men and women involved in World War II.

Thank you veterans.

Dear France,
I had nothing to do with the liberation of your country from Nazi Germany. If I visit your country I will not expect gratitude. I will expect decent customer service in exchange for money that I spend but no gratitude. I left nothing on the beaches of Normandy.

I slept in two hour increments. Aside from the fitful sleep the getting out of bed earlier experiment is working well. I've kept dirty dishes from accumulating in the sink. After I clear out the clutter in my e-mail inbox I need to clear out the clutter around my desk. Improved housekeeping has been the most positive result of this experiment.

Walter has been cleaning the house in preparation for Saturday's party. The living room is looking good.

The leaves on one of the trees in the backyard have turned a quite spectacular shade of yellow.

Masey chewed the laces off one of my running shoes. She used her teeth to cut the laces; 6 inches on one end and 8 inches off the other. Now I have to get replacements. Salvador now has two new shoe lace ends (aglets for you trivia buffs out there) to chew on. Once he gets over his trepedation regarding new things in his cage he will enjoy chewing up the aglets. Hopefully, the dog slobber smell won't bother him.

I hope these mundane blog entries help someone with their insomnia. Maybe I'll receive good sleep karma points.

The getting up earlier experiment - Day 3

The experiment is successful so far in terms of productivity.

For some reason, I haven't slept through the night this week. I wake up between 3:00 and 4:00 am. My vision apparently is 20/20 at that time. I can see the time on the clock very clearly. I can also do mental arithmetic very quickly. I see the time and note the exact number of minutes until the alarm is set to go off. After all this I shut my eyes and go back to sleep. Clear vision and doing arithmetic in my head are not talents I possess when fully awake. Maybe it is some weird dream state.

I got a back rub this morning! I stayed in bed a bit longer but still made it out before 6:00 am.

I made it to work early!

Masey needs more toys. She spent a great deal of time whining and looking for something to play with.

She scared Salvador this morning. She stuck her head in his room, this caused Sal to try to fly in his cage, this made Sal even more interesting so Masey walked further into Sal's room, this made Sal attempt more in cage flight and scream thus making himself even more interesting to Masey so she came closer and this led to even more agitation on Sal's part. I came in and shooed Masey out and turned on the light and checked for fallen feathers.

Fortunately, he did not lose any flight feathers. Oops, using correct English on the internet! He did not loose any flight feathers. There is no excuse for flaunting the ability to use and retain the education I received. I do not want my fellow Americans to feel bad.

About the school shooting in Tennessee (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9970713/), authorities are seeking a motive. The motive is in the story:

On the school website Principal Gary Seale welcomed students with this statement:
“The next four years will be the best times of your life.”

I would have shot him.

Is it cruelty or senility that causes adults to say that to young people entering high school?

Day 2 of the wake up earlier experiment is more successful than Day 1. I accomplished several mundane tasks this morning and do not need a nap right now. This could be the caffeine and cake talking.

I have a weirdo co-worker that scrapes the pineapple and cherries off pineapple upside down cake. Oh well, more pineapple and cherries for me but why scrape off the stuff that makes it a pineapple upside down cake? After scraping it is just a plain yellow cake. Everyone has their quirks I guess but why does everyone else's quirks seem so much weirder than mine?

Freelance work is starting to come in. Hooray!

I set my alarm for 5:02 am on Saturday so that I can get up and start my Saturday run earlier. I wanted to finish in time to take a shower before a 9:30 am meeting. I arrived late to the meeting but the other people at the meeting appreciated me for taking a shower. Better late than stinking to high heaven.

I decided to keep my alarm set at 5:02 am. I hit the snooze button 3 times but got out of bed earlier. I'm going to try the earlier wake up time for a while and see how it works. I've read that this will increase my productivity and make me feel better.

This morning I did some stretching, cleared out some clutter in my inbox, folded some clothes, washed dishes, took a shower, planned the week's workouts, prepared lunch and ate breakfast and still made it to work on time.

I need a nap.

This week I ran/ cycled 33.4 miles, burned 2,567.4 calories and weigh 164.7 pounds.

Monday cycled 6 miles in 32:39
Wednesday cycled 8 miles in 41:06
Thursday ran 4 miles in 54:14
Saturday ran 14 miles in 2:44:50

If I can keep the same pace that I ran the 14 mile throughout a marathon then I'm on track for a 5 hour race.

Photos: I would have done this sooner but slow uploads and screwy formatting delayed me. I don't know why I'm so picky about the formatting in a blog.

From top to bottom:

1. The flaming chalice pumpkin in its freshly carved glory. Now it sits outside slowly imploding
2. Approaching the finish line at the Woodstock Howl-o-ween 5K.
3. Getting closer. Neither dog nor human is an albino. If I go out during a sunny summer afternoon I burst into flames if I don't use sunscreen.
4. Crossing the finish line in 36:39. That time included a water stop and a potty break (for the dog).
5. Masey, the tail-less wonder dog, and I submit our time.
6. A Newfoundland (Newfie) in a cheerleader outfit.

Masey is available for adoption via www.woodstocktexas.org. You can see her in person at PetCo in College Station, Texas Saturdays from 11:00 am to 5:00 pm. She can run farther than 5K. She is pretty good on a leash but pulled (not too hard) during the race because of the excitement. Without distractions she stays at my side or slightly behind. If you are looking for a somewhat slow running companion (12:00 - 10:00 minute miles), Masey is a great dog.

My knee is fine. I ran slowly today without experiencing any pain. I felt much better after running.

My father-in-law has moved into his own place.

This week's book:

Perfect Planet and Other Stories

Last week I ran 17.13 miles, burned 2206.1 calories and weighed 164.5 pounds. So far this year I have ran 692.39 miles and burned 85,496 calories.

Monday: 3.3 miles in 40:00
Wednesday: 4 miles in 41:12
Friday: 5K in 31:25
Saturday: 3 miles in 36:00 and 5K in 36:39 (Not bad for a bum knee and an excited dog)

It is taking too long to upload pictures. I will try tomorrow.

Cycling on a stationary bike sucks! My ass hurt and I rode for 6 miles and burned under 200 calories. I even changed the resistance. Less than 200 calories! I barely broke a sweat.

I can't wait to start running again.

Because of the nasty weather last night we did not get too many trick or treaters. Consequently, we have a lot of left over candy. The possibility of left over candy factored in our choice of candy. Somebody has got to eat it. I would ship it to some starving children in a third world country but I don't have an address. No, I don't trust Sally Struthers to act as a courier.

I found the the nasty peanut butter things wrapped in black or orange wax paper that old ladies gave out when I was a kid. They were expensive ($5.99 a bag vs $1.99 for the good stuff). The expense prevented me from purchasing a bag. I wanted to give the nasty things out to uncostumed teenagers just trolling for free candy.

Then there is the left over candy dilemma. What would I do with the left over nasty peanut butter things? Nobody in my house would eat them and I certainly would not give them to anyone that I have one ounce of empathy for (about 5.9 billion humans and the animal/ plant population). I'm sure there is someone out there that likes these things and I would gladly give them my left over nasty peanut butter candy but would I want to meet much less interact with such a person?

My flaming chalice jack-o-lantern lasted all night.

I need to post pictures.